Coward
by GraeLeigh3
Summary: Set during serie's final 'Let our Angel live'. As Kelly fights for her life, someone is watching her. Sabrina & Kelly possible pairing.
1. Through sliding doors

Just a short story which has been running in my head for week, I had to get out of my system.  
Set during the series' final, 'Let our angel leave' (minor change from the episode to fit in).  
Since this has not been beta read, all mistakes are mine.  
Feedback and reviews much welcomed, as always.  
Ohh yeah and none of this belongs to me, I'm just borrowing them to have a little fun, no harm meant :p

**Chapter 1 - Through sliding doors**

I'm a coward. A lurking coward.

I've been standing here for the last two hours but yet I can't get my body to function and enter the room. I merely stand here, watching her. That's all I've being doing these past days. I come to the hospital, get to her room but still can't get in. I watch her and disappear before the others arrive at the end of the day. I watch her and I muse. Muse about my past as a private detective, at my new life. A new life no one knows about.

Yes I'm a coward. An ugly coward.

When I got the call I was so choked, I couldn't speak for the longest time. I stood there with the phone cradled against my chin, tears running down my cheeks, unable to speak. My "lover" was there but couldn't understand my reaction, heck I couldn't explain it myself. An argument ensued and said lover left, with no intention to ever come back, but I didn't pay many attention to it. My mind back three years ago, to that day she was first shot, and the night I decided to quit.

I did quit but my decision is back with a revenge to haunt me.  
I put miles of land, dust and people between us; I was living on the west coast, now I live on the east's but distance didn't put my head to rest, nothing did for the longest time. Sure I coped, sure I went on with my life, but it wasn't just the same anymore.

I built a huge lie I'm still mesmerized Charles Townsend bought.  
Maybe he didn't, maybe he knew all along I was a coward, a liar, and that I was better out of the Agency. That there was a wolf among his dear Angels.

And today I'm faced with the consequences of my actions. Would the present be any different if I didn't flee back then? Would she be in the same condition if I didn't run and faced my feelings?  
So many questions which kept running around my head since I arrived here a couple days ago.

Neither of them has seen me. I've been hiding in the shadows ever since I arrived. I don't know why, guess I'm not particularly eager for them to see me so disraught. That'd raise too many questions.  
Those damn questions I keep avoiding; those damn questions that keep haunting me.  
It's not like they are new, I've been stuck with them for the past three years, but actually facing them and their possible consequences is a little too much.

So I hide, I lurk in the darkness.  
But who am I kidding? There is no way I'm leaving before being sure she's safe. Before being sure she'll survive this second headshot and that it won't make any permanent damage.

In all the people I came accross in my life, as a police officer, as a private detective, as a now counsellor, I never met someone like her, someone so giving and caring it should be illegal. She doesn't deserve to be lying here, fighting once more for her life.

After all, she is the only human being I'd ever see myself live with, in a long-term relationship. One that involves shared secrets, breakfasts in bed, long steamy baths in hot tubes, cuddling on a sunny beach, all those things you do with the one you are head over hells in love with.

There I say it, it's out : I loved her back then and still do.  
That's why I left, I couldn't stand being her closest friend anymore, I couldn't work next to her to finally see a nice guy enter her life and stash her from her feet, far away from me, into a much deserved life of happiness.

So I flew, I crushed my best friend's heart by leaving her one day, by having Charlie tell them all I got married over the summer.

But she'll never know why, she'll never know why I left, she'll never know she's the only reason of this runaway: I, Sabrina Duncan, am helplessly in love with my best friend, Kelly Garett.

That'd crush her, and I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already did.

-----  
_End of chapter 1 ... any thoughts? Please reviews very welcomed :)_


	2. Hiding

**Chapter 2 - Hiding**

I heard them this morning. I didn't expect them to come so early, so my only option was to run and hide in the nearby ladies room.  
Thank God, neither Kris nor Julie did need using them. Well that'd have at least settled an uncomfortable situation.

Julie wondered why I wasn't here, why I didn't come on the first flight.Well I did, but she doesn't know.  
She even wondered if my husband didn't allow me to come over.

I wanted to get out of my hiding place and scream in her face that I'm a grown up woman, who would never take any shit from any man, husband or other. That I wasn't married, that I've been here for the last three days, 24 hours per day, not like them. That I was avoiding everyone to have all liberty to observe her when they were too busy with their little work to keep vigil by her side.

But I didn't, I remained in the shadows, hiding and suffering.  
I was pleased to see Kris take my defence. I wouldn't expect less from her; she has always being such a sweet girl.  
At first she was fingering around, not sure of her place in our team which her sister left so abruptly. But she did fit perfectly and she saved our ass many times.  
I always wondered about how she'd be so different from her big sister Jill. Not that Jill was uncaring and unprofessional, but not in the same way as Kris.  
In many ways, Kris reminds me of Kelly: as caring, passionate and tough, but a little more wild.She reminds me of us when we joined the Agency, so eager to do well, to prove ourselves.

Kris made it clear to Julie that there was surely a good reason for me not being around. That, as her best friend, I wouldn't abandon Kelly. Funny to know that I did, and am doing, just that. I hurt her; I don't support her, just because she's my best friend for whom I care way too much. How can life be so twisted it turns to the opposite of what I'm longing for?

Because, yes you guessed, I'm such a coward.

-----  



	3. The letter

_I just realised how short is chapter 2 which I just uploaded, so here number 3._

_Reviews very welcomed !_

**Chapter 3 – The letter  
**

The day I was sure she would recover fully, I did something utterly stupid and so out of line. Before they moved her from ICU to her room, I checked the charts to know which room would be hers. Making sure no one would see me; I left a small note under her pillow. Since she was moved close to dawn, the other members of the Agency were there to carry her stuff. Now that she was safe and sound, I couldn't lurk anymore and risk her, and any of them, seeing me. So I decided to leave, hoping that no other disaster would bring me back.

It didn't take me long to write it down, I've been thinking about it a lot over the past three years but always destroyed it before actually sending it. But this time I couldn't, it was like my hand and body moved on their own, prompted by my heart and not my head. Guess I wanted to make sure she knew I was there the whole time, that I cared, in my very selfish way.

I know it by heart:

_Kelly,_

_I'm so glad you are recovering completely, that this nightmare is finally over.  
In a month or so I hope you'll forget all about it, that no nightmares will haunt you at night, I know for sure they'll haunt mine._

_I can imagine your brows skywards in surprise. Yes Kelly I've been here all along, this past week, ever since Kris called me. I dropped everything and caught the first plane to LA.  
I had to be here, making sure you're safe._

_Leaving you two years ago crushed my heart, but I had to. I couldn't bear to be by your side anymore. I couldn't stand being so close, but yet so far._

_I want you to know how much I love you Kelly Garett, as my closest friend, as one of the few persons on this crazy planet I'd give my life for, as a lover.  
In my whole life I never loved anyone as much as I love you, and you being my best, female, friend doesn't change that fact._

_Please don't hate me Kelly, life has funny ways to remind you of your mistake, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing the biggest one. Revealing this dark side of me sure isn't wise but I can't help it, I wanted you to know._

_I know how unfair it is from me to drop something like this and leave but I have no other choice, I can't face rejection, although that's all I deserve._

_I'm flying back to the east coast tomorrow and you'll never hear from me anymore.  
Please know that I never get married, that it's not my job which keeps me from visiting you.  
It's just that seeing you happy with the nice guy you deserve would be a little too much to take._

_You'll always be in my heart Kelly, and l miss you every single day._

_Sabrina_

What I didn't expect was her reaction. Remember how her caring and gentleness made me love her even more? Well she proved it to me even though she wasn't at her best. Told you such kindness should be illegal.

Although she was moved to a private room, she still had many monitors glued to her, checking her condition very regularly; they couldn't risk her getting worse.

As I was quietly leaving her floor, making sure noone would see me, the alarm in her room went crazy, all nurses rushing to her door. That stopped me dead in my tracks, she couldn't die now, she was fine a minute ago!  
I wasn't thinking and followed the troop towards Kelly's room, good thing the members of the Agency left much earlier; I'd have run into them if not.

After what seemed like hours, I saw the nurses exit the room wheeling the reanimation cart out, clearly pissed. Spotting me at the door, Nurse Galloway gestured me to come in. I was frozen in chock, for me it'd only mean one thing: Kelly was dead and I was allowed in thanks to my status as police counselor in New York. This status already allowed me to stick around that week without raising too many questions; beside I wasn't asking to enter the room, so I wasn't a threat.  
All I could do was shaking my head furiously from side to side, tears filling my eyes. It couldn't be, she couldn't be dead. Not after surviving a whole week, speaking to the others. Damn, what went wrong?  
I felt hot and dizzy; I knew I was on my way to loose it completely, not that I cared.

Then I felt strong hands grab at my upper arms, fighting me, pinning me against the wall.  
Above my cries, I'd vaguely hear a voice, a feminine voice, repeating endlessly the same thing "she's fine" over and over again, but it didn't make any sense for a long time. Until my sobs calmed and I'd concentrate on that voice. Looking up I met hazel eyes and a gentle smile.

Without a word, Nurse Galloway whipped at my tears and pushed me towards Kelly's room.  
All of a sudden, I was at the threshold of a room I vowed never to enter; a room where a woman I haven't spoken to in three years was lying, cheeks crimson, eyes lowered, playing with the hem of her blanket.

Turning around I intended to leave the room but this option was soon a not one when Nurse Galloway closed the door right in front of my nose.

I was trapped.

--------

_So ... what ya think ?_


	4. Trapped

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

**Chapter 4 – Trapped**

I don't know how long I stood there, watching the damn white door.Guess a long time since at some point I couldn't decipher the dirt's smudges anymore.  
All I could see was the whiteness of the door and it was giving me a serious headache.

- "So you think you love me?" her voice is barely a whisper.

Taking a deep breath, I finally turn around to face her. Her face is turned towards me, eyes shining with unshed tears.My heart breaks at this sight, the joy of seeing her balanced by the pain I cause her.  
- "Real smooth Duncan" I chastise myself.

Hesitantly I approach her, hands clasped tightly. I stand a foot from the bed, unwilling to get too close. Looking up, she studies me closely before going on in a hushed voice.

- "I … I didn't know Bree … I had no idea that … I mean … I'm sorry I …"

I raise a shaky hand to silence her.

- "Don't Kelly, don't you dare apologizing to me. I'm at fault here, I shouldn't have"  
- "I'm glad you did", she whispers in a shaky voice.  
- "You what?" I babble.  
- "Look Bree I'm not saying that you'd the right to do this but …" she sighs heavily, trying to gather her thoughts.  
"Why now?" she finally asks.

From the tone of her voice, looks like this is what is bothering her.  
Told you this letter wasn't a right thing to do.  
And I've no idea as how I'll get myself out of this mess. Maybe I'd do what I do best: run.

Kelly must have sensed my inner struggle as she grabs my hands with hers that isn't plugged with an IV.  
Beautiful, caring and smart, that's my Kelly.

Looking down at our joined hands, I lay a comforting hand on her forehead, caressing her smoothly, taking the time to ponder my next move.  
I'm torn between being honest and tell her the plain truth and trying to save what may remain of our friendship.  
But I can't do the latter; I've too much respect for her. And, when I hide the letter under her pillow, I already made my decision: truth whatever the cost.

- "You scared the shit out of me Kelly. When Kris called me, when I saw you lying there, I thought I had lost you. But you fought hard and pulled through. Guess part of me didn't want to go without you knowing I was there, I didn't want you to think I didn't come after Kris' call, that I didn't care. I being there would have made no sense if I didn't tell you the whole truth behind my hiding", I stop, short of breath, hoping I was clear enough.

I don't dare looking up at her and I realize that sometimes during my speech, her hand ended up cradled in both of mine. She doesn't seem to mind since she hasn't jerked it away.

For a long time, neither of us speaks. Maybe she fell back asleep.  
Part of me wishes she did, so she could put all this on the account of a dream, well nightmare; the other part doesn't so that we'd settle this. That way I'd head back to NY, never look back, and mend my broken heart.

Well it was already broken years ago, I'm used to it.

-------  
_ To be continued ...once writer's block is giving me some rest :p  
But I'm hungry for any feedback, so please click on it :)_


	5. Rejection

Mu apologies for not updating this fic in years.

With Farrah Fawcett death, I've been watching the show and felt like continuing this fic.  
Hope you'll like :D

***-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-***

- "You were my best friend Bree", she whispers and I look down at her when I hear her voice break on my name "you were my closest friend and you disappeared. You barely called and never visited"

Not releasing her hand, I grab the nearby chair and drag it closer to her bed. Sitting, I say nothing not sure she's finished; when it's obvious she won't say more, I speak up.

- "I'm sorry Kelly", I confess, my hand caressing her cheek. As she flinches, I pull it away "I realize closing you off wasn't the right thing to do. It … it just hurt so much to…."

- "Have you any idea how much it hurts to get the news via the agency? I thought it was some kind of sick joke … I ….", she pauses, short of breath and I can say from the look in her eyes she's in pain. "I … I went to your place and you were gone! Just like that!", she cries snapping her fingers, breaking our physical contact.

As I'm about to respond, a nurse comes rushing in, a grave look on her face.  
She reaches Kelly's side, checking the monitor before turning to me "Miss I'll ask you to leave. Miss Garrett needs to rest". Feeling at fault for upsetting Kelly, I nod before raising.

As I reach the door, I pause but can't work the nerve to look back at her. I realise now the effects my actions had on her and it's not a comfortable feeling.

- "I'm sorry", I whisper, hand on the doorknob. "You might not believe me considering my past actions, but I'm truly sorry".

Opening the door, I step out of the room, out of Kelly's life.

I'll go back to New York and never look back.

That part of my life is gone.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

_Awww meanie nurse ... lol  
So wanna get more ?  
Hit the 'review' button, I love reviews they keep me going :)_**  
**


End file.
